It's funny, some things simply do not change. Even years after beginning this journal, I am still opining (complaining?) bitterly about my relations with my Mother. It's my own fault, really. I can't seem capable of functioning within our relationship according to her parameters. This time I don't really blame her. Last Wednesday she surgery to remove a cyst from the side of her face and I totally, completely FORGOT. I called her today and she is pissed beyond belief at me.
What is wrong with me??? Why am I incapable of having a thriving relationship with her??? What is it that keeps me from doing the right thing as far as she is concerned??? One would think that there was some terrible event in our past which keeps me from connecting with her. Plain and simple, I suck. I try to do better and manage for a short while but I always-always-always manage to do something that sets her off. Did I say always??? Always!!!
My Dad's 85th birthday is this coming Saturday and the two of us were going to take him to lunch. Now she isn't sure if she'll feel up to and will let me know.
(My Dad is another relationship in which I utterly fail; however, this entry is about my Mom so I will hold off from lashing out at myself in regards to him.)
I know that sometimes she wishes she had a better, more caring and well-adjusted, less selfish & standoffish daughter.
I wish she did, too.
This time of year was always my season of discontent. It would generally begin around about now and carry forward until my birthday. After attending Burning Man, it would start shortly after returning from the Playa. I don't feel the same sort of ennui this season. In fact, the last couple of months have been fairly divine. As we move into Fall and Winter, I hope to retain this same glittering optimism. Only time will tell.Only a small handful of you are aware (and I wonder if any of you are even still active on this site?) that I moved to San Francisco at the end of January. It's been an amazing nine months and it was one of the best decisions I've made. These days I am navigating how to be a City Singleton. My social/dating life really took off since returning from the Playa. At times I am overwhelmed by and amazed at the attention which I receive. I do understand that I have made some huge changes and the people I meet respond to that confidence, inner-strength and self-certainty. I still want to deflect and be self-deprecating though. It's so hard to change deeply engrained patterns and behaviours.Baby steps.
Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.
I want to record things here more frequently. I want to have a place where I can keep things for good measure. I need a place where I can sort things out safely and sanely. I've grown lazy and my introspection has wilted on the vine.
There's really so much that has happened yet so many things have stayed the same.
I signed up for the two week paid account trial. It has allowed me to peruse a lot of old pictures. Again, the question begs to be asked: where does the time go???
I think that things with my Dad are just a little much right now. Last night it occurred to me that I could move to England. A little six month hiatus which might provide me with crystal clarity. I could always come back and start fresh all over again. What would be the harm?
At times I really miss having someone who confides in me first, someone for whom I help carry their burdens as much as they help carry mine, someone who misses and thinks of me as often as I do them. I'm just feeling alone and adrift.
snarkybleu pointed out to me that there is no right or wrong. I found the quote of which this conversation reminded me,
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." ~Shakespeare
Reframing is important and putting a different spin on the usual circumstances might be just what I need. Actually, getting out of my usual circumstances is really what I need, I believe. Continuing to do what I've always done is not going to lead me anywhere I haven't been. In fact, what helped to turn things around for me in June was abandoning my usual pattern. It worked, too. I vaguely feel myself slipping back into old behaviours because they are comfortable and I know just what to expect. Unfortunately, I know just what to expect.
Ya feel me?
I. Miss. Kissing.
Waking up when it's dark is wrong.
Am disappointed that I won't be going to Pacific Grove this weekend with my Mom to celebrate her 80th birthday. There was a micommunication and she booked the hotel for next weekend but I am working and she can't go this weekend (like I thought we were going to do) because she is going to a memorial for Bill Lane. Looks like, instead, we shall be going the third weekend of this month.
Not too much to report.
My plan is to get back into journalling slowly, like working you way into a cold swimming pool.