Howdy and Hello.

I don't know how long it's been since I was last here. As in, "here" sitting down, with the laptop and no other distractions, fully focused upon updating my damn el jay. I remember when every Monday I would update about the weekend and everything I did. I remember when something would happen and I would think to myself, "ooooh! I must remember to el jay this later!" I'm just too busy at work to update and when I get home I'm more inclined to play stupid Bejeweled than update about my life.

This time of year, as much as I love the holidays, is bad for me emotionally. I've started referring to it as my "season of discontent." It stretches from returning from Burning Man right up until about my birthday. So, what is that? Four or so months, I think. I get mired down in the muck and seem incapable of coming up for an unencumbered breath. My head is fuzzy and my limbs feel heavy. I often have to stop and analyze how I'm feeing, "is this a sincere reaction or am I just hyper sensitive?" It's a bit bothersome and I don't always remember to manage myself properly.

My Dad is getting worse. I'm seeing him more while my Mom is seeing him less. I took him out the other day to get a haircut. We popped into a little barbershop at the plaza right up the street from where I live. This barber has been cutting hair on Woodside Road for sixty years. This barber is 80 years old and still cuts hair. He looked not a day over sixty five! My Dad is still complaining about divorcing my Mom and still hates Lakeview Lodge. He's filed a complaint with the ombudsman. A couple of complaints, actually. Most recently he opined bitterly about how he isn't allowed to watch as much television as he would like. The ombudsman has called my Mom after each encounter with my Dad and she remarks how my Dad is definitely suffering from Alzheimer's and can't do anything about his complaints. Today I am going to see him. My Mom was going to go with me but when we spoke this morning, she backed out of the plans. She doesn't want to set him off and therefore ruin my day. I don't know how much longer he's going to remember me. The last couple of times I have seen him he has been affectionate. Initiating affection, I might add. He's even been complimentary. I attribute it to his disease. Sad, isn't it?

I think there's just too much to say. It's like going to a restaurant with too many items on the menu. You just don't know what to choose.

"The greatest gift we can give anyone in relationship is acceptance. Once we resolve to accept people for who they are and where they are, we are set free and so are they. We are free to affirm them, encourage them, and appreciate them, and by liberating ourselves we set them free to be who they are and become all they were created to be."

from Art Rickers <darickers@gmail.com>
to tortuga@gmail.com
date Tue, Sep 29, 2009 at 5:10 PM
subject Chat with Art Rickers
mailed-by gmail.com

hide details 5:10 PM (17 minutes ago)


These messages were sent while you were offline.

5:10 PM Art: Hello Kim. Just running through my email messages and thought I would drop you a line. The weather is lovely in Half Moon Bay today. How is Redwood City?


Art Rickers is my Dad. He did NOT send me that message. Who the hell did???

I'd like to note that my lipstick ivy is STILL flowering. It's been well over a month. The blooms are really quite something to see and honestly resemble tubes of lipstick.

My paid account has expired. Must remedy the situation.

I am t-i-r-e-d. I think it's pms. There's no reason I should be this tired this early in the morning after getting a full night's rest.

Hope the clouds go away so the sun can shine down upon us today.

Not much to say. Need to scramble and get ready. Have aspirations of visiting my Dad today on my lunch break.

Yesterday I felt flat, anxious and acidic. Let's hope today is much better.

This weekend, so far, has been relaxing and really pleasant. Last night, as a surprise, I set up the massage table and when Chris got home I had him strip down, hop up on the table and I gave him a massage for the first time in I can't remember how long! We spent the evening together, snuggling on the couch, eating dinner and watching television. This morning we headed to our local, downtown farmers market. First we visited with Dr Gregory at the New Life Chiropractic booth then we strolled the ten or fifteen feet to Cherlene & Cheryl's booth where we hung out, chit chatted and basically just caught up. Seeing as how today was the kick off of the season, there weren't too many vendors; however, we did manage to get some yummy fruits and vegetables (strawberries, peas, bell peppers, yukon gold potatoes, avocados and tulips). We also walked across the train tracks and got coffee from Starbucks and bagels with cream cheese from Noah's. All in all, it was a lovely morning and it was so very nice to spend time with my Bunny.

After we got home we set to work on cleaning out and organizing the garage. We threw out bags of crap and put several bags for the Goodwill into Chris's car. Now we can walk to the washer and dryer w/o tripping over things. Yay!

Right now Chris is taking apart a cd player (he wants the lasers and motor for some other project) and I should probably start on the laundry. Maybe clean the kitchen. Dilemma! Tonight we have plans to go to a potluck at the home of someone from our Burning Man community. Music, food, good conversation & socialization. Le Woot!

Tomorrow is another day.

I'm interested in your unwanted ties, gentlemen. I plan on making a tie skirt and I think I am going to need plenty of ties. So, if you are willing to help me out, please send me your ties. Email me for my address, pretty please!

	My beautiful little love cake!
	Look at those eyes!

Thursday, while I was getting adjusted, I began to cry. Sob, actually. The poor doctors were standing around like clucking hens, doing their best to offer me solace. Later that night, while watching television with Chris, I asked him, "why am I eating so much crap, Chris???" His reply, "because you're depressed..." I then began to cry. Again.

I'm crying a lot these days.

This stuff with my Dad is weighing rather heavily upon me.

Tie Skirt I.

Tie Skirt II.

Speaking of the scrumptious dinner, it was, to quote ctuck, "delectable!"

Seriously.

I roasted a chicken and popped in several little potatoes alongside it...YUMMO! I heated up one of those brown 'n serve sour dough loaves. And for the veggie I made green peas. Oh my goodness! Delicious! Absolutely!

Did I stop there? I certainly did not. For dessert I made my first ever crumble with apples and blueberries. Paired with vanilla bean ice cream it was to die for.

The entire meal was decreed "hella good!"

I've all ready stuck the carcass in a pot along with some water, herbs & spices. Tomorrow night's dinner will be soup!

The kitchen smells heavenly!

Last night was a phenomenal success! My heart was overflowing with love and gratitude. My friends made my 40th one to remember. This is my favorite picture so far. There are more. A lot more. I haven't even seen all the pictures yet. There's video, too. If I can figure it out, I'll share that with y'all, too.

They caught me!

I've spent the last thirty or forty five minutes perusing old journal entries. I went back as far as mid-August. So many shifts and changes, simple joys, dashed hopes, hormonal lows, invigorating highs and the list goes on. I had thought my journal had been a bit barren and desultory these last several months. Looking back, maybe it wasn't quite as bad as I had perceived it to be? Perhaps it's a more perfect encapsulation than for what I had given it credit?

Just now, I was looking at my stack of cd's in the spare room closet. Mostly, there are just empty cases. For whatever reason, I can not find the actual compact discs. I was looking for one to play out here in the living room while I surf the net and tidy up. I came across Sarah McLachlan and thought, "oooh! yes!" No dice. Empty case. I remembered that I should have at least two more cd's and I found the cases. Both empty. I stood there and began to weep. Not entirely because of the missing cd's, mind you. The particular cd in question, Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, is one that not only I owned but also my brother. I found it while I was helping to clean his home after his death. I was so surprised to discover that we shared an artist in common. I kept it, clung to it, actually. Now, honestly, I realize that more than likely this cd came from an old girlfriend or maybe a friend left it behind or something. In truth, it isn't all too likely that my brother, David, had much taste for Sarah. Still, I cling to the shred of hope that maybe he did and it's something we shared without ever knowing it and anytime I've listened to that cd, I feel a little closer to him. Most specifically, I Will Remember You, while not on this particular cd, stirs up my feelings. I don't know why this song does it to me, it just does.



Today I want to visit my father. Speaking with my Mom yesterday, she told me that they shared a really pleasant visit. She told me that I might be coming by to see him this weekend. If I don't make it today it's more than likely I won't make it all this weekend. Do or die.

No work today until 4pm. Well, really, I should get there a little early in order to make a few calls to insurance companies so that I can check on screwed up payment checks.

I want to leave here shortly and make a trip to Target as well as the market. I have a plan to make cookies tonight and/or tomorrow.

Dezi is cavorting around the apartment, leaping and bounding, here to there. She likes to sit at the head of the stairs, caterwauling.

I'm a little anxious about Thursday. First time ever that I will not be celebrating Christmas at my parents' home. Lunch out at a restaurant followed by dessert and presents at our place. I'm wondering how my Dad is going to react.

Nolan, from Lifetime's Blush, reminds me a lot of Patrick Swayze's character, Vida Boheme, from To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. Anybody else see it, too?

I'm feeling as if something is missing. Not quite like Iona's old high school friend, mind you. I'm not checking for my car keys and obsessively checking my handbag. It's not like I missed my senior prom. (thanks kathykat for the heads up!)

I'm dissatisfied. I feel as though my life is lacking meaning. snarkybleu suggested I make blankets for San Francisco's homeless or crochet beanies for babies or donate time at a soup kitchen on Christmas Eve. I don't know if treating my fellow man is going to make me feel better about my life. Obviously I'll feel as if I am making a difference; however, I'm not sure if that's the issue.

I feel disconnected and trapped in a whirling dirvish of ennui.