flawed & fabulous...

Today my Dad was talking about how he wants to take a trip...he wants to buy a new car and go on a real big trip, one that takes him across the ocean. While this may sound funny to some, to me it is heart breaking. His whole life he had the opportunity to take trips yet never did. He and my Mom had plans to go to New Zealand, Alaska, Canada...he always found excuses to not go and eventually stopped making excuses and simply said he didn't want to go anywhere. Now, as his world is shrinking and his awareness is dulling, he decides he wants to go places. He feels that his time is running out. He is grasping at straws, anything to change his circumstances even though he no longer has any power over his world.

I have now had this journal for slightly more than ten years. Holy crap!

This time of year was always my season of discontent. It would generally begin around about now and carry forward until my birthday. After attending Burning Man, it would start shortly after returning from the Playa. I don't feel the same sort of ennui this season. In fact, the last couple of months have been fairly divine. As we move into Fall and Winter, I hope to retain this same glittering optimism. Only time will tell.

Only a small handful of you are aware (and I wonder if any of you are even still active on this site?) that I moved to San Francisco at the end of January. It's been an amazing nine months and it was one of the best decisions I've made. These days I am navigating how to be a City Singleton. My social/dating life really took off since returning from the Playa. At times I am overwhelmed by and amazed at the attention which I receive. I do understand that I have made some huge changes and the people I meet respond to that confidence, inner-strength and self-certainty. I still want to deflect and be self-deprecating though. It's so hard to change deeply engrained patterns and behaviours.

Baby steps.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

One year ago today was my last journal entry. It's hard to believe I've had this account for going on nine years. Where on earth does the time go???

I want to record things here more frequently. I want to have a place where I can keep things for good measure. I need a place where I can sort things out safely and sanely. I've grown lazy and my introspection has wilted on the vine.

There's really so much that has happened yet so many things have stayed the same.

I signed up for the two week paid account trial. It has allowed me to peruse a lot of old pictures. Again, the question begs to be asked: where does the time go???

Today I am feeling self-stabby. I screamed bloody murder when I dropped a container of fried rice on the kitchen floor. I felt my blood pressure rise and my heart beat race. Like, whoa! And what the french?

I think that things with my Dad are just a little much right now. Last night it occurred to me that I could move to England. A little six month hiatus which might provide me with crystal clarity. I could always come back and start fresh all over again. What would be the harm?

At times I really miss having someone who confides in me first, someone for whom I help carry their burdens as much as they help carry mine, someone who misses and thinks of me as often as I do them. I'm just feeling alone and adrift.

snarkybleu pointed out to me that there is no right or wrong. I found the quote of which this conversation reminded me,
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." ~Shakespeare

Reframing is important and putting a different spin on the usual circumstances might be just what I need. Actually, getting out of my usual circumstances is really what I need, I believe. Continuing to do what I've always done is not going to lead me anywhere I haven't been. In fact, what helped to turn things around for me in June was abandoning my usual pattern. It worked, too. I vaguely feel myself slipping back into old behaviours because they are comfortable and I know just what to expect. Unfortunately, I know just what to expect.

Ya feel me?

In case I didn't make it clear enough in the last update...

I. Miss. Kissing.

A. Lot.

First day of October and the Halloween season may officially begin!

Waking up when it's dark is wrong.

Am disappointed that I won't be going to Pacific Grove this weekend with my Mom to celebrate her 80th birthday. There was a micommunication and she booked the hotel for next weekend but I am working and she can't go this weekend (like I thought we were going to do) because she is going to a memorial for Bill Lane. Looks like, instead, we shall be going the third weekend of this month.

Not too much to report.

My plan is to get back into journalling slowly, like working you way into a cold swimming pool.

It's been almost four months since my last update. I keep renewing my account in the hopes that I will be inspired to record more of my self here. Sadly, I can't seem to be bothered; however, in yet another attempt to get motivated, I, once again, paid my $5 and, I guess, will see how far it gets me.

Burning Man was amazing. My best one ever. This year was all about baby steps for me. If you take enough of them, you can wind up really much farther than you ever anticipated. A few things I'll always cherish and remember:

Sitting in my carport, Monday afternoon, during the downpour, I cried from happiness. I was okay. I wasn't freaking out about the weather or my shelter nearly blowing away. I was okay and I was happy. I'm always going to remember this moment.

Meeting a real live Italian Prince Monday morning at the Box Office. I was so starstruck. He was gorgeous! As was his English fiance. I failed to get a picture of him but he took my picture which means I will forever be a part of his first Burning Man experience.

Sharing a couple of sweet kisses with a handsome stranger. I never tried finding him again after Wednesday night. I wanted to keep the experience pure and blight free.

Being hugged by a stranger as I stood at my bicycle, crying outside of the Temple. He saw my upset and simply held me. No words other than my "thank you" were exchanged.

Greeting my friend, Jennie-Sue as she arrived at her first ever Burning Man. Serendipitously, she came through the greeter station during my shift. It was awesome!

It's getting harder to visit my Dad. He only becomes agitated and angry. He questions my love for him as well as my intentions for his care. He still stalwartly refuses to acknowledge that he is ill; however, he recognizes he is getting worse but attributes it to his surroundings. He can't conceptualize that his decining mental state is a symptom of his disease. He'll yell at me and when I can't take it anymore, I get up and leave. I always try to hug and kiss him before I leave. A number of times, after I've left him either at a table in the dining room or some other room at the lodge, he has surprised me by waiting for me at my car. He stands there, forlornly, with his walker. He says he just wanted to say goodbye and he'll hug and kiss me. He doesn't remember just yelling at me and crying or being close to tears. It breaks my heart. He demands examples of his disease and when I supply them, he accuses me of lying. He doesn't remember them and therefore they never happened.

He was diagnozed five years ago. The average Alzheimer's patient lives seven years after their initial diagnosis. Only thee percent live for fourteen years.

Tags: burning man, dad

My life. My choices. My direction.

I'm not happy. I can't remember the last time I was happy. I don't even recall what it is that I'm supposed to do in order to make myself happy. For months anytime anyone has asked me how I am (except for when I'm at work, I've learned to fake it while on the clock), my answer has been an automatic, "okay."

My life is on hold. Figuratively or literally, it doesn't matter. I'm too afraid to take too many steps forward.

I feel alone. Those who I might confide in, have their own lives and their own stuff. I'm simply not a priority for them and that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Twice in the last week I have, uncharacteristically, shared something uniquely, intimately personal with someone I don't know very well. After each encounter, I felt a little lighter. Perhaps a little liberated. At the same time, this person now knows something about me which I normally keep to myself & I'm not 100% my own any longer. It's bittersweet.

If I don't like the direction of my life, I need to take a turn for the better. Or, at the very least, the different.

Today is my Dad's 83rd birthday. My Mom and I are taking him out for pizza later this afternoon. I picked up a cupcake for him to have after dinner and my Mom has ordered a cake to be served this afternoon for my Dad and the other residents at Lakeview.

My Dad attacked Margarita yesterday. He "beat up on her" is how it was described to my Mom. Margarita is the sweetest, lightest, brightest ray of sunshine at Lakeview. She always has a smile and a hug for everyone. I can't even begin to imagine what possessed my Dad to attack her. Actually, yes, I can. Funny how it doesn't make me feel any better.

The ombudsman was at Lakeview yesterday and my Dad thought she was my Mom.

Last night he was in the little room behind the office watching television and suddenly Faye heard him shouting, "Get out! Get down!" She ran into the room and found him standing at the window, staring outside. He told her that his wife and daughter were up the tree and couldn't get down.